Pre-Amazon

I have been instructed by my friend Carolyn not to write about how nervous and excited I am to study abroad. I am very nervous–this sort of feels like the beginning of freshman year all over again–and extremely excited to spend my next two semesters in Mérida, Mexico. But I’ll humor Carolyn and skip that stuff for now. Instead, I will say that despite my nerves and my excitement, I feel uncharacteristically calm, even ready, for this huge change. I leave tomorrow, and my to-do list is not only woefully incomplete, but missing. I haven’t packed, gotten the zipper replaced on my favorite turtle backpack or ordered a snow globe to demonstrate snow to my host family. I haven’t cleaned my room and I’m afraid to even check my e-mail inbox.  Despite all that, I’m feeling pretty ready.

I think it’s because I know everything that’s familiar and that I love will be waiting for me when I get back. It’s this incredibly liberating feeling; my only priority is to go forth and conquer. To move onward and upward. In short, to be a bad-ass.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I still have a lot of goodbyes, though my last few weeks have been full of them. First and foremost, there’s the wunderpup, Riley, AKA Riley Bear AKA Riley Beans AKA Riley Pants AKA Riley Ryrus. I’ve spent much of this summer training her, and she’s super impressive. She even (small children and the faint of stomach avert their gaze here!) goes to the bathroom on command! She won’t be a puppy when I see her again, but I know she’ll be waiting to demonstrate her whole repertoire of new achievements to me this May! Tonight I’ll also say goodbye to the cats Caboose and Prince Albert, Liz and Ben and my dad. The real test will come tomorrow when my mom leaves me at Bradley airport. Maybe all my badassery and bravado will melt away then… OK, nerves kicking back in.

All is well, though.For now, I’m sitting on the same old bed in my room, looking out of the window at my dad’s vegetable garden and my mom’s neglected flower garden. Beyond that are the woods where I’ve walked Riley most days this summer. Nearer to the house the backyard where my family recently threw me a surprise going-away party. In my mind, the same hopes and expectations for the year ahead swirling about. I don’t have to think about the airport just yet. And despite some misgivings, I’m still the Amazon I’ll need to be to complete this journey. Let me rephrase that–I’m the pre-Amazon that I’ll need to be to turn into the real thing this year.