A Resolution Revolution: Holidays Abroad, pt. II

Planning is funny or maybe life is just funny. When you’re doing it, planning, that is, the goals seem oh so tangible and oh so reachable at the time that your scope becomes so myopic that you can’t even see how things could possibly go wrong.

Let’s start from the beginning. Last year, I planned to study abroad for my entire junior year. This was a given, though where I would spend those 12 months was another question in itself. First I thought, quite naturally, that they should be split between Brazil and France, as those two countries related most to my studies. And then, when I was on some other kick, I was thinking of being the guinea pig for a new program in Hyderabad, India. But then, because of overall shambles and bad time allocation on my part, that didn’t quite pan out. The same happened to France. ALL RIGHT, I thought, a year in Brazil is probably best option for me but, I’ll make it so that my visa only last for six months just in case I want to come back home.

Set.

So then I make it to Brazil thinking that everything else in the United States and in Brazil would run its course and that, when I returned, everything would virtually be the same with a few minor differences. OK, so I wasn’t completely wrong here, but the differences wound up being a lot more drastic and traumatizing than I thought. First off, bad homestays. There goes that wonderful cultural experience with a Brazilian family that I had been hoping for. Then, my good friend and fellow Georgetown student, Terrance DeShawn Davis I, died in a freak accident off the coast of South Africa. Nobody was expecting that. That notwithstanding, I went along with extending my stay in Brazil for another six months. Soon afterwards, however, I realized that going home for the holidays didn’t make the most economical sense and that I time I would spend here (about three months) would be great for me to really immerse myself into the Brazilian way of life. Fine enough, but what I failed to take into consideration was the emotional toll that that option would take on me during the holiday season.

Now, in 2009 (it feels so weird to write this) I find myself to be in a very pensive state of mind. Since the 12:00AM on January 1st, I’ve been looking for connections and common themes that have been the root of all the various struggles, big and small, that I’ve faced over the past six months and even beyond and, finally, while I’m thousands of miles away I believe that I’ve figured it out.

It has been loneliness all along.

Loneliness when I wake up to go to school in the morning and do not run into any friends along the way. Loneliness when, after I create some crazy, exotic culinary concoction for dinner, and have nobody to share it with. Loneliness when, as I lay staring at the ceiling at the night when sleep is too lazy to come, and wish I could roll over and talk to the person in the bunk below me, but realize that nobody is there. And finally, loneliness when it’s time to celebrate holidays that my family no longer really gives any value to anymore, but I still get sad and homesick anyways…

New Year’s Eve was not everything that I had wished for and though I did not officially make any resolutions, deep down in my heart there were some intense inner stirrings. Yes, I did dress in white, but no, I offered no flowers to the sea. Yes, I was with friends, but I wasn’t with…friends. And yes, I was surrounded by millions of people, but it didn’t feel much different from sitting on the couch at home, alone, watching the ball drop. I knew that I never wanted to feel this way again, or at least not so far away from home.

So I started to think and was surprised at what I discovered. As of late, when I had been feeling the most alone, many random people from various parts of my life were all coming back to me. Like unfinished chapters.

For example, I found Lucas, the street kid, on Copacabana beach and he gave me a hug on New Year’s Eve. All I know is that I definitely needed one. A student that I met three years ago at Macalaster College during a Fall Sampler for prospective students, was sitting on the couch of one of my best friend’s house when I walked through the door and I found out we would be studying together next semester. Also, I ran into a Brazilian friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen for months embraced me and told me that even though he would be going abroad to study English, he would never forget me and that for him I’d always been an amigo de coração even though we didn’t get to see each other that often. And finally, Nathalie, my very first pen pal from France that I “met” over eight years ago, added me on Facebook after a very long time of not having had any word from her…what does all of this mean?

I’ve tried to make sense of it all and realized that maybe there isn’t any sense to be made. I just need to look at the surface and what is there, plain for all eyes to see. For as much as time as I’ve spent thinking of other people and of how much I have missed them, there has been even more people–unexpected people–thinking of me this entire time. Now that I know this, would it make sense for me to ever feel so lonely again?

When I woke up happy on January 1st, I knew that everything had its course, as mangled and twisted as it might be, and that, most importantly, everything would be all right.