The all too familiar feeling of unsettledness has taken over my emotional state of being for what has seems like an eternity, but in actuality has only been a week. Not excitement or sadness, only unsettledness. Although one may not understand what “unsettledness” could possibly feel like, to me it is the only single word that can describe what I am feeling. In a sentence I would describe it as feeling unsure of everything and anything. Questions such as “Am I going to like living in Brazil?”, or “Is this what I really want to do for six months of my life, during which I will be away from everyone dear in my life?” are impossible to answer in the affirmative nor in the negative. The only difference now as opposed to six months ago when I was preparing to leave for a semester abroad in Costa Rica is that six months ago the feeling of unsettledness was paired with severe nervousness. Six months ago, the thought of being all alone in a new country for the first time made me so nervous that at times I would get nauseous and wake up in sweats in the middle of the night. Now, on the contrary, I know what it is like to live far away from family and truly work to make myself feel at home and at ease. However, for some reason this is STILL, not enough and the fact that I am leaving to Brazil tomorrow has me feeling empty inside as it has for a while now, or so it seems.
Brazil has for some time been a dream destination to me. When questioned which country I had to visit at some point in my life or where I wanted to go to for my future honeymoon (which by the way are both very common and reoccurring questions when you have four other younger sisters) I almost-always answered Brazil. Inclusively, I initially wanted to study abroad in Brazil instead of Costa Rica in the Fall, however was persuaded to change my study abroad site by my mother who worried about my safety in the highly controversially portrayed city of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. However as I, and my mother, became accustomed to me being in Costa Rica, I thought, “What better time than now, when my sole responsibility is college, to study and live in Brazil? With that question guiding my decision to study abroad in Rio next semester I began the terribly long and costly process that was obtaining my student visa from Costa Rica. Sending documents back and forth from Costa Rica to the States and vice versa depleted the last bit of spending money I had allotted for myself, given the fact that my only viable option to send anything to the United States in Costa Rica was DHL, which charged SEVENTY dollars for anything sent that was under a pound (and in my case two computer-sized pieces of paper). After receiving all necessary documents for the student visa, I was happy to find that the rest of the process was a piece of cake and took as little as two days. With the visa in my hand and everything set for another semester abroad, I couldn’t help but grin for the entirety of my remaining time in Costa Rica. I knew that I was saying goodbye to all of the friends that I so desperately wanted to obtain in the beginning of my semester abroad, however, felt that I would forever keep in touch with them and was filled with joy at the thought of doing it all over again. Therefore, my question a week ago was, “WHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY CHANGED?”
Now that I leave tomorrow, I know that what has changed is that before leaving Costa Rica, I had forgotten how good it felt to be home and how much I knew I would miss my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, something I was painfully aware of when I first set off to Costa Rica. I am no longer nervous because deep down I know that I will be OK. I have already gone through this. I have already pulled myself through those sleepless nights when I felt so lonely and so far away from anyone real in my life, and I already know that sooner or later I will meet people who I will come to call my friends and I will take buses and make trips to unforgettable places which will make memories that will forever be with me.
Needless to say, knowing these things does not alter my state of emotional unsettledness because not knowing how my host family is, or who the people I will befriend are, or when I will come to truly enjoy myself, has me feeling uneasy. All in all, I must realize that these are the years to adventure out of my safety zone and challenge my ability to adapt to new things and places. This is exactly what Rio de Janeiro is going to be for me, a challenge, and only time can tell whether it will be one that brings along good memories and changes me for the better or bad memories that, ultimately, will also change me for the better.
